Politics:
1. Mexican Town Stands Up for Illegal Immigrants (Assoicated Press)
2. Stop the Raids in the First 100 Days (David Bacon, TruthOut)
joke of the day:
God Save the Queen
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty
Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates
for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice
of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should
look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Her Sovereign
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new
Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the
need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter "U" will be reinstated in words such as "colour," "favour,"
"labour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut"
without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "-ize" will be replaced by the
suffix "-ise." Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. (look up "vocabulary").
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such
as '"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into
account the reinstated letter "u"' and the elimination of "-ize."
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
or therapists The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for
shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a nail clipper. Although a permit will be required if you
wish to carry a nail clipper in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the rights side of the road with immediate effect ; and for those
of you who do not understand what this means : it means the left-hand side
which happens to be the correct side. At the same time, you will go metric
with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both
roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with ketchup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitters will be referred to as
beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as
Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are in some respects
at least, the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to
the beer!! They are also, in a manner of speaking, part of the British
Commonwealth - see what it has done for them. American brands will be referred to
as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further
confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Gwyneth Paltrow attempt English dialogue in Shakespeare
in Love was not a nice experience.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time,
be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football,
but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full
kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you
face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us absolutely
dilly.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due
(backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper tea [not the other
stuff you mispronounce as 'erbal tea !!!] and proper cups, with saucers;
never mugs. This will be served with high quality cakes and scones (proper scones
please!), with jam and clotted cream, and and biscuits (the REAL thing not
your "cookies" for goodness sake!) and of course, sandwiches, which are
indeed sandwiches and not your interpretation of them!
God Save the Queen!
God Save the Queen
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty
Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates
for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice
of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should
look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Her Sovereign
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new
Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the
need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter "U" will be reinstated in words such as "colour," "favour,"
"labour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut"
without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "-ize" will be replaced by the
suffix "-ise." Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. (look up "vocabulary").
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such
as '"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into
account the reinstated letter "u"' and the elimination of "-ize."
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
or therapists The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for
shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a nail clipper. Although a permit will be required if you
wish to carry a nail clipper in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the rights side of the road with immediate effect ; and for those
of you who do not understand what this means : it means the left-hand side
which happens to be the correct side. At the same time, you will go metric
with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both
roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with ketchup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitters will be referred to as
beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as
Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are in some respects
at least, the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to
the beer!! They are also, in a manner of speaking, part of the British
Commonwealth - see what it has done for them. American brands will be referred to
as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further
confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Gwyneth Paltrow attempt English dialogue in Shakespeare
in Love was not a nice experience.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time,
be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football,
but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full
kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you
face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us absolutely
dilly.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due
(backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper tea [not the other
stuff you mispronounce as 'erbal tea !!!] and proper cups, with saucers;
never mugs. This will be served with high quality cakes and scones (proper scones
please!), with jam and clotted cream, and and biscuits (the REAL thing not
your "cookies" for goodness sake!) and of course, sandwiches, which are
indeed sandwiches and not your interpretation of them!
God Save the Queen!
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